Relationship Therapy: Setting Self-Respect Standards in Dating
Dating can sometimes feel like this slow chipping away of who you are—like the goal is to be accommodating, flexible, endlessly patient. But too often, that turns into accepting less than you deserve.
The people we let into our lives shape the way we see ourselves. If someone makes you feel small, like you have to dull your shine to keep them comfortable, they don’t belong in your world.
Engaging in relationship therapy can provide insights into why you follow these patterns and ways to go about it. When you sit down with a therapist who specializes in relationships, you're not just venting; you're uncovering patterns that might have been hiding in plain sight for years.
It's like finally finding the missing puzzle piece that helps you understand why you gravitate toward certain partners.
Love Shouldn’t Make You Less
Esther Perel l says it best:
“The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.”
And yet, so many of us entertain relationships that leave us feeling anxious, insecure, or like we have to prove we’re enough. Maybe we justify it because we’re lonely. Maybe because they check all the right boxes on paper. Maybe because we’ve been conditioned to think love requires sacrifice—the kind that asks us to shrink.
But if love makes you feel less like yourself, it’s not love.
Signs You Might Be Shrinking in a Relationship
Sometimes it’s hard to see if you’re dimming your lights to make someone else comfortable. Here are a few signs that you might be shrinking in your relationship:
You feel like you’re “too much” or “not enough” around them.
You apologize constantly - even when you didn’t do anything wrong.
You silence your opinions to avoid arguments.
You downplay your accomplishments or goals.
You feel anxious more than you feel secure.
The Power of Self-Respect in Dating
Laverne Cox nails it:
“By doing the work to love ourselves more, I believe we will love each other better.”
That should be the bar. When you have self-respect, you stop tolerating the bare minimum. You stop settling for attention that feels like an obligation.
You won’t find yourself explaining and over-explaining why your standards exist. The right person will get it without the need for a manual.
Relationship Therapy in the Context of Self-Respect
Let's do a quick mental exercise. How often have you said that you wanted someone who respects you, but somehow end up with someone who doesn't?
If the answer to this question was "frequently," and you're having issues sorting this out, relationship therapy helps you bridge the gap between what you say you want and what you actually choose.
The beautiful part about it is, as you go deeper into understanding yourself, your confidence naturally grows.
Through relationship therapy, you start recognizing your worth and begin making choices that align with that worth. It's not about blaming yourself for past relationship mishaps; it's about empowering yourself for future ones.
Setting Self-Respect Standards Doesn’t Make You Picky
Setting self-respect standards isn’t about being “too picky” or “hard to please.” It’s about knowing your worth and making sure the people in your life recognize it, too. Love should never require self-betrayal.
So if someone treats your time, your feelings, or your boundaries like an afterthought? Walk away. If they make you feel like you have to prove your value? Walk away. If they don’t make space for your voice, your dreams, your full self? Walk away.
Not because you’re being difficult, but because you know what you bring to the table—and you refuse to be with someone who doesn’t.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
At the end of the day, you don’t need to shrink to be loved, and you don’t have to stay in something that asks you to. Setting standards isn’t about being difficult; it’s about being clear on what you will and won’t carry.
The right relationship won’t ask you to quiet your voice or second-guess your worth. It’ll feel like space, not pressure. And that’s what you hold out for.
If you're struggling to walk away from relationships that aren't serving you, a relationship therapist can offer practical strategies and emotional support to help you recognize when something isn't healthy. Relationship therapy also provides a safe space to practice setting those healthy boundaries.
If this sounds like something you'd like to explore, Margot Joy's site has some great resources available. You can even schedule a virtual session that works with your busy life.
Remember, your relationship with yourself is the most important one you'll ever have. Maybe it's time to give it some extra attention.
